I am still elated from the results of the PET scan which makes it annoying that my daily reality is another story. There is much healing to do and that will take time. In the meantime there are the things about my health that only Vodka witnesses every day.
When all this began the doctors went over what we want to achieve as well as all the possible side effects of treatment. At the time all I wanted was to feel better and found myself asking questions and mostly saying ya ya and okay to pretty much everything. I also tried my best to think positive and not think too much about the side effects particularly the long term ones. I have only told a few people just what the side effect possibilities are, since I want to focus on things as they come and not worry others. Thus my day by day approach, which I still believe in wholeheartedly.
This brings me to the reality of side effects, my daily life as only Vodka and I know it. It’s true that I am cheery, smile and laugh no matter how I feel. Because of the way I am, the old adage ‘never judge a book by it’s cover’ applies. When I chat with close friends I realize that it’s hard for others to understand what I am going through because I am so positive. My positive attitude comes across that all is well. When in reality there is more going on than I talk about. I guess I focus on dealing with it rather than talking about it. I am realizing I talk about it when it starts pissing me off! Which my arms definitely are!!
If Vodka could talk…I imagine he would tell you how often I pray out loud when bodily functions we take for granted are causing me pain and misery. More recently how many times I wake in the night because my arms are numb, tingling and burning so badly that I sit up in bed trying to ease the pain. When the pain finally settles and I try to get comfortable he curls up on my shoulder and puts his head on mine and purrs in an effort to soothe me. How much I grumble about the frustration of not being able to do the little things I used to do with ease like opening bags or jars, I simply don’t have the strength. Having weak arms is awful, making me clumsy and tired. Every little activity is an effort and makes me tired and I sit on the sofa more than I ever have in my life! Cleaning my house is an exhausting task that sees me on the sofa for the rest of the night. So my house looks lived in most of the time. I am quiet when I am in pain and nothing soothes it.
If it weren’t for the fact that I lost my hair due to chemo many wouldn’t realize that I am dealing with a health issue. There is always more than meets the eye to anyones life and the struggles they may be facing. No matter what I face or how I feel I choose to be positive. When looking at someone don’t let a positive attitude get confused with having a perfect life and not having struggles. Attitude is a choice and for me a positive attitude helps me deal with all that goes on in Cinzia’s Adventure. 😉
I sparkle on…one day at a time. 🙂