For some time now I have been feeling like I am walking an emotional tightrope and am one step away from falling off into emotional darkness.
Living in constant pain is a struggle. Each day I talk myself into being jolly and moving forward. So I work to keep my balance on the tightrope since the darkness below looks cold and unwelcoming. My preference is to stay on the bright side where the sparkles are yet the darkness keeps pulling at me.
Today I feel like I slipped on the tightrope and am now tangled up in it. I went for the CT scan of my neck to see if there is a connection to the pain in my wrists and found out it was to be a scan with contrast, which meant another IV needle. Immediately my heart sank even though I tried to be brave. I explained to the nurse what I have been through and how my veins are not happy to be poked and to please not jiggle the needle around if it doesn’t take. He understood and tried his best but the IV didn’t work. I immediately began to cry, which totally surprised me, and said to him ‘please don’t try again, can we do the scan without contrast. Now that I am worked up the IV won’t work.’ So he spoke to the radiologist and we did the scan without contrast. Hopefully the doctors will be able to see what they need to see.
I am still in a pretty sad mood after this and can’t help feeling that I can’t do this anymore. I am so tired of appointments and needles. 😦
It is definitely time for time away to build up my mental and emotional strength. I need to build up some sparkle to get me through.
I sparkle on…one day at a time. 🙂