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~ my distracted mind…

For weeks, even months I have been thinking about writing a post about the things I did during the rest of my stay in Italy. Yet I have not felt like talking. Unusual for me since I am quite a chatty gal. There have been too many distractions in my mind for me to focus. At this moment I have lists all over the table and am starting to get my head straight about life and what to do with myself. I will get around to writing posts about my Italian adventure soon. 

Since returning to Canada a few weeks ago I have had another follow-up, this time with my original hematologist. It’s nice to have her back. I was thrilled the day I had my blood taken, sounds silly, but the nurse was skilled and successful on the first try. I could even hear the blood gush into the tube! Woohoo! Gross but made me very happy! She is my favourite nurse!!! Always a relief to learn that my blood is normal and that the doctor is happy with how I am doing overall. 😃 I am almost at the one year mark and this is important. The first year is the most likely period for recurrence. There is that word, this is part of what has been distracting me for some time. 

Recurrence. As time passes and I get closer to a full year beyond treatment I struggle with this word. I chose to keep to myself and not get involved with support groups and such during my treatment period. Yet I did know of a few others at different stages of treatment at the same time and this is what has become difficult for me. Over the last six months or so I have learned of three people who have experienced recurrence. I imagine that it is a cancer survivor’s greatest fear, and for as much as one tries to be positive, live in the moment and move on with life. This word presents a reality that others just cannot understand. To learn that one person had passed away last month, another is in palliative care and one in treatment again is difficult to process. Here I am just back from a few months rest in Europe and trying to decide what to do with my life, while my mind feels numb. Moving forward feels difficult when someone I haven’t met yet feel I know because our stories were shared between us via a mutual friend, we were each others cheerleaders, is near the end of his life. It’s hard to hear that someone who handled their illness and treatment will such grace has had to face it again so soon. I cannot put my feelings into words right now. 😔

Another distraction is my hand and wrist pain which continues. I have agreed to take the prescription the hematologist has recommended. The first day was comical, I was pretty much stoned from one pill! ha! and I felt nauseated and my face was tingling! Thankfully the yucky feeling only lasted a few days. It’s been almost two weeks and I am not noticing much relief yet, I do remain hopeful. I saw a neurologist last week, he had no answers. My case is odd. So I have been referred to a physiatrist. Now to wait for an appointment with him. Thankfully I have free time and can be on a cancellation list rather than wait 6 months for an appointment. 

I am now experiencing the entangled feelings of fear, frustration and what on earth are my transferable skills!? in looking for some way to earn an income and move forward in life. Preparing for a job search is a process that I am sure no one is fond of. It is enough to drive one crazy! I know because I was already half way there!  😜

In the meantime I am trying to replenish my sparkle levels and see the bright side in things and not get too wound up about them. I am still adjusting to the new normal that is my life. My body is stiff and makes weird crackling noises when I move. My hair is a daily adventure that takes way too much of my energy. This new-found fear of certain words is a tough one, trying not to let them get the best of me. After all they are just words. 

I sparkle on…one day at a time.   😊

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