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~ my distracted mind…

For weeks, even months I have been thinking about writing a post about the things I did during the rest of my stay in Italy. Yet I have not felt like talking. Unusual for me since I am quite a chatty gal. There have been too many distractions in my mind for me to focus. At this moment I have lists all over the table and am starting to get my head straight about life and what to do with myself. I will get around to writing posts about my Italian adventure soon. 

Since¬†returning to Canada a few weeks ago I have had another follow-up, this time¬†with my original hematologist. It’s nice to have her back.¬†I was thrilled the day I had my blood taken, sounds silly, but the nurse was skilled and successful on the first try. I could even hear the blood gush into the tube! Woohoo! Gross but made me very happy! She is my¬†favourite nurse!!! Always a relief¬†to learn that my blood is normal and that the doctor is happy with how I am doing overall. ūüėÉ I am almost at the one year mark and this is important. The first year is the most likely period for¬†recurrence. There is that word, this is part of what has been¬†distracting me for some time.¬†

Recurrence. As time passes and I get closer to a full year beyond¬†treatment I struggle with this word. I¬†chose¬†to keep to myself and not get¬†involved with support groups and such during my¬†treatment period. Yet I did know of a few others at different stages of treatment at the same time and this is what has become difficult for me. Over the last six months or so I¬†have learned of three people¬†who¬†have experienced¬†recurrence. I¬†imagine that it is a cancer¬†survivor’s greatest fear,¬†and for as much as one tries to be positive, live in the moment and move on with life. This word presents a reality that others just cannot understand. To learn that one person had passed away last month, another is in¬†palliative care and one in¬†treatment again is difficult to process. Here I am just back from a few months rest in Europe and trying to decide¬†what to do with my life, while my mind feels numb. Moving forward feels difficult¬†when someone I haven’t met yet feel I know because our stories were shared between us via a¬†mutual friend, we were each others cheerleaders, is near the end of his life. It’s hard to hear¬†that someone who¬†handled their illness and¬†treatment will such grace has had to face it again so soon. I cannot put my feelings into words right¬†now. ūüėĒ

Another distraction is my hand and wrist pain which continues. I have agreed to¬†take the prescription the hematologist has recommended. The first day was comical, I was pretty much stoned from one pill! ha! and I felt nauseated and my face was¬†tingling! Thankfully the yucky feeling only lasted a few days. It’s been almost two weeks and I am not¬†noticing much relief yet, I do remain hopeful. I saw a neurologist last week, he had no answers. My case is odd. So I¬†have¬†been referred to a physiatrist. Now to wait for an appointment with him.¬†Thankfully I have free time and can be on a cancellation list¬†rather¬†than wait 6 months for an¬†appointment.¬†

I am now¬†experiencing the entangled feelings of fear,¬†frustration and what on earth are my transferable skills!?¬†in looking for some way to earn an income and move forward in life. Preparing for a¬†job¬†search is a process¬†that I am sure no one is fond of. It is enough¬†to drive one crazy! I know because I was already half way there! ¬†ūüėú

In the meantime I am trying to replenish my sparkle levels and see the bright side in things and not get too wound up about them. I am still adjusting to the new normal that is my life. My body is stiff and makes weird crackling noises when I move. My hair is a daily adventure that takes way too much of my energy. This new-found fear of certain words is a tough one, trying not to let them get the best of me. After all they are just words. 

I sparkle on…one day at a time. ¬† ūüėä

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